I’ll keep this as
short as possible :)
So, there I was - a
freshman at Portland State University. My philosophy professor was
relating the issue of whether brains cause minds. I was stuck by the
nature of the question.
A thought experiment
was discussed. You take a living mans brain, and you slice it in
half, but simulate the signals that would be given by the other half.
The reductionist argument continues, until all that is left of the
man’s “real” brain is one neuron, pulsing from time to time.
Fascinating!
And I really wanted
an answer to this question: Does my identity dissolve at death? Do
minds really die with the body, or do they persist somehow. Frankly,
both possibilities filled me with dread.
I had essentially
left the LDS faith from the age of 15.
I therefore toured
other religions, learning about both Buddhism , Taoism, and
Confucianism. Likewise, I looked into the more Occidental religions.
The latter did not impress me. The former were interesting, but did
not convince me.
I went to the
university library and delved into philosophy, evolution. I looked
at arguments both for and against the existence of God.
The tour left me
confused and depressed. The world seemed dark and depressing.
Pointless, even.
On the one hand, the
insight gained on various points of view were interesting to say the
least. But I leaned more towards rationalism and nihilism. And I
was unhappy. So profoundly unhappy. And I thought I had to nobly
accept my misery as a natural byproduct of leaving faith.
And once depression
had set in, it had quite a grip upon me. It felt like someone had sprinkled old coffee grounds on my soul.
And things weren’t
going well at school, either. Academically, my schooling had become
sort of a joke at best. I found myself hanging out at the Music
building, and playing with the band and orchestra. I didn’t
understand at the time, but issues with my blood sugar had set in.
An episode of hypoglycemia left me shaken.
Likewise, when I
accepted an invitation to smoke pot with an acquaintance, I
discovered that I was allergic to it.
It took 3 days to
recover from the experience.
I still don’t
exactly recall what sparked the thought, but one day I remembered a
time when life and the greater scheme of things made more sense. And
I wondered whether I needed to be so glum all the time. And I
decided to take one last look at the LDS faith that I had grown up
with.
I decided, for some
reason to start with the Doctrine and Covenants. I read the book in
one day. I had read somewhat before, but this experience was
markedly...different. I began to see wisdom in the text that I
hadn’t noticed before.
For
example, Section 93, verses 29 and 30 reads: “Man was also in the
beginning with God. Intelligence, or the light of truth, was not
created or made, neither indeed can be. All truth is independent in
that sphere in which God has placed it, to act for itself, as all
intelligence also; otherwise there is no existence.”
Section 88 verse 63
reads: “Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me
diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock,
and it shall be opened unto you.”
“Well”, said I,
“This is good and everything. But is it actually true?”
I thought that if it
was true, that if God did exist, then He would have the ability to
make it known to me.
I decided to attempt
praying. I was very wary of self-deception. Terrified, in fact, as
many atheists are.
Reluctance set in,
but at last I said out loud “Heavenly Father, if you exist, and if
this book is true, will you make it known to me? And I am willing to
be your servant”
What happened next
sort of blew my mind. And by that I mean, the answer that came
rocked my world.
My thoughts
immediately lit up. An immense power independent from my self filled
my mind. And then kept filling. It was so intense as to become
almost painful. The room was dark, but I saw a physical
manifestation of light.
I noticed later that
it was relatively easy to give up my potty mouth, and other naughty
things. And, whereas before I was worried about some sort of
self-hypnosis taking place, to this day I cannot deny the source of
this answer.
It followed for me
that if God exists, and if the Doctrine and Covenants is true, than I
had best return to church.
And I have tried to
serve God, sometimes with better success than at other times.
Challenges abound.
If you reading this, you may know of some of them.
With that, I have
found increasing joy in my life as I have been lifted up by degrees.
And I know now by experience that God is real, and personal.
